27-28 Sep 2010
I woke up at 12:00 AM again, after getting about five and a half hours of sleep - not really enough. I did nap for a couple hours later in the evening, which I don't usually do, but I had to be well-rested and prepared to write something last night. I would have posted this earlier, but I was directing all my Writing Energies toward the next video, and by the time I was done, it was about 9 in the morning. It was worth it.
Do you ever envision a kind of idealized version of yourself? For instance, a "Zinnia" who just happens to go out more, has a slightly larger circle of friends, a more regular job, a car, knows how to drive and is working toward a degree in something? Sometimes I think about that, but then I realize that such a person would need to have priorities, motivations and goal systems so radically different from my own that they would hardly be recognizable as me. Ultimately, it's not worth dwelling on because if there was something I truly wanted, I would either be doing it already or I'm going to do it once I want it enough. I don't think "ambitions" really count as ambitions if you currently aren't driven towards realizing them. That probably sounds like a bit of a downer, but I just see it as having a more realistic concept of who you are.
I mentioned earlier that I usually read many books concurrently, instead of finishing one before starting on the next. I've decided to just focus on one at a time and make a list. From first priority to last, it currently consists of: Rage, Zendegi, Rethinking Life and Death, The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, The Demon-Haunted World, Freethinkers, and We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families. I'm already half-finished with most of these. After that, I plan on reading Orlando, Paradise Lost, The Scarlet Letter and Why I Believed: Reflections of a Former Missionary, in some order.
What's on your reading list right now? What's your idealized version of yourself right now?
My reading list is currently Anathem by Neal Stephenson, Look Homeward Angel by Thomas Wolfe and the Rig-Veda. I just finished Madame Bovary and Zoe's Tale this morning.
My idealised version of my self would be a Hayden that truly did not care what others think of me (don't we all!), that had the courage to submit his writing to publishers, that saved money better and did not flit from thing to thing so quickly.
Blood of The Fold by Terry Goodkind. If you haven't already read the Sword of Truth series, I think you'd enjoy. There's a lot about religion and misogyny in it.
I would be graduated from university (currently working on that), have a good job (not sure that's necessarily something I can fully control seeing as you often have to take what you can get despite your ambitions), and I would be married to someone who loves me for who I am (once again, not something anyone can really control despite their ambitions).
Ugh, comparing myself to an idealized notion of who I wanted to be has kicked my ass for years. At twenty-two I had ambitions to be a successful writer, be Stephen King rich, and have millions of adoring fans and multi-million dollar movie deals. 12 years later that's yet to materialize (though I did get published, so I'm doin' the Neutron Dance over that) but I found that as I get older that image of myself doesn't matter so much anymore. Like anything there's stuff about my life I like and stuff I'm reasonably content with. If anything gets me down it falls upon me to improve it myself, not worry about some 'perfect' version of myself might handle it. Better to do my best and enjoy life rather than stress over every little detail.
Right now my reading list is. . .eclectic. I just finished rereading a copy of Manhunter: The Special Edition by Archie Goodwin and Walt Simonson for the Wild Gunmen website. It was fun to revisit some crazy '70s action comics. After that I'm reading The Samurai: A New History Of The Warrior Elite by Jonathan Clements, which is both informative and gripping all at once. The Samurai of Japan's history makes Conan the Barbarian look like a Pound Puppy by comparison. After that I'm making my way through Alexandre Dumas' The Three Musketeers, which is one of those books I've always had on my to-read list. The translation by Lowell Bair for the Bantam Classic Edition is easily the most accessible I've ever dealt with, and it's really clicking with me in a way it hadn't when I was a kid. DC Showcase Presents Green Arrow Volume 1 is goofy fun in the best 1950s-60s superhero tradition (Fake. Uranium. Arrow. So awesome), and after that the read pile includes Louis L'Amour's Trouble Shooter, Scott's Ivanhoe, Harlan Ellison's Strange Wine, and Michael Moorcock's Byzantium Endures, an historical novel as opposed to the more fantastical works Moorcock's written.
Sincerely,
Stacy
Ps. The TARDIS Handbook by Steve Tribe. Gah. . .it never ends! ;p
Right now I am reading "The Greatest Show on Earth" by Richard Dawkins. I'm Also reading and learning the rules to the DeathWatch RPG. And of Course Waiting for the new Sam Harris book to be out.
As for my Idealized version of myself. I've noticed that it changes on a regular basis. What I want out of life, and even out of myself seems to change on a day to day basis, Rotating between a laundry list of sometimes exclusive ideals. Of course if I were to look at how I spend my time and money I could see what I actually want out of life instead of the ephemeral dreams that I choose not to follow.
I've got World War Z on my reading list at the moment, once I am able to pry myself away from H.P. Lovecraft.
Idealized concepts of me pretty much just take the form of characterizations that I act out in one way or another, usually through music and musical acts. In general terms, there are idealized situations in which I'd prefer to be, but they all depend on other people, and I don't really have any influence over that.
At the risk of sounding conceited, I am generally quite content with who I am and what I am working towards; I battle with insecurities, but I feel that my path and sense of self are quite certain. Maybe my idealized self/selves won't ever become real, but maybe I am content to just be a man of multiple personas. You have given me a great deal of food for thought, though.
I'm going to read ‘The Restaurant at the End of the Universe,' the sequel to ‘The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, ' as well as books on the British welfare state.
I'd be less apathetic for one thing and more assertive. I've really only just stated doing what I really want to do in life.
I like the person I've involved into for the most part, even though I've grown more insular over the past couple of years. I vary between my introverted and extroverted self and always have. My imaginary self is all extroversion and kind of a badass.
I'm not reading at all except for things I've already read. I do however enjoy the book "What We Believe But Cannot Prove", a collection of various scientists and writers on what they can't prove, but think may be true.
Favorite quote, from Seth Lloyd: "I cannot prove that electrons exist, but I believe fervently in their existence. And if you don't believe in them, I have a high-voltage cattle prod I'm willing to apply as an argument on their behalf. Electrons speak for themselves."
I'm reading the book "Filmmaking for Dummies by Bryan Michael Stoller",i'm trying to find the time to finish it,it's a library book I've renewed it twice from my laptop at home,if people can come back in another life here on this earth I plan on becomming a film director.
If you did go to college,have a large circle of friends,plus a 9-5 job you wouldn't have time to make as many or any videos for your fans on you tube.On you tube your're a teacher,a sex symbol,a bright shinning light of hope on y.t. where there is very little intelligent content.Many people look up to you and look foward to you videos as if they were gifts of knowledge,you have many love sick fans who dream about being with you,some of them send you money.
If you need additional income to get a driver's license and a car,explore you area by foot,apply for a retail job in sales or at some restaurant.If you feel one of these jobs is not your thing,then keep it a secret and tell noone,just keep it long enough until you get a dr.license and a car(keep up making videos on y.t. on the side).It took me two years of saving to get a car,I had no car to practice for my driver license test,I had to call one of those driving schools out of the yellow pages where they come to your home,let you drive one of their cars for a hour (if you have a learner's permit),If I rember it cost me $65.00 an hour.I had a few lessons plus it took me 3 times to pass the driving test,all together it cost me $365.00 in fees from the driving school.That's what I had to go through to get a license and a car at age 21.I met kids in school whose parents helped them get a license and bought them a car at age 16,ahh the life of a rich kid.
I'm starting Godel, Escher, Bach, but I need to read Demon Haunted World too!
I also have a bookshelf full of other books I need to read...
Along with schoolwork and being lazy, I don't have much time for reading.
Try 'Don't Sleep, There Are Snakes,' Daniel Everett?